I was recently reading a story by Rudyard Kipling called, "To Be Filed for Reference." In this story, an educated man named McIntosh has become a drunk. He and Kipling have become friends and one night McIntosh argues that Kipling, because he is not a drunk, is "painfully ignorant of many things." McIntosh continued,

"when you have reached the uttermost depths of degradation, little incidents which would vex a higher life, are to you of no consequence. Last night, my souls was among the Gods; but I make no doubt that my bestial body was writhing down here in the garbage...I was loathsomely drunk. But consider how lightly I am touched. It is nothing to me. Less than nothing...Now in a higher life, how ghastly would have been my punishment, how bitter my repentance! Believe me my friend...the highest is the lowest - always supposing each degree extreme...On the Soul which I have lost and on the Conscience which I have killed, I tell you that I cannot feel! I am as the Gods, knowing good and evil, but untouched by either."

Now, there is a lot to talk about in that quote. But what struck me was when he said "I cannot feel! I am as the Gods knowing good and evil, but untouched be either." I have often wondered if there would be any greater pain than to be spiritually numb. Just knowing that you had separated yourself far enough that you could not feel good or evil, that you were untouched be either, that sliding down one more degree of wickedness had no effect on you. I can't think of anything worse. Yet the farther we go down these paths, the less and less we feel it. One thing that scares me most about the problems we receive at some of our sites, is how young some people are beginning to slide down that path. Before they actually have any sense of what they are doing, it's too late and they can no longer feel what the effects actually are. They're lost and don't know it. Some of these youth are being forced by society to make decisions about things well before they are emotionally capable and so enter into lifestyles purposefully designed to numb them from the effects before they even know what they're doing. Eventually they realize that they are addicted to the lifestyle, but it no longer means anything to them. "It is nothing to me. Less than nothing." But then, I've seen people have those same feelings, but hit a low that's low enough for them to want to change.

I drew a graph that I think represents a possible path through the Numbness Threshold.



As you can see, if someone begins on a downward slope from being spiritually or emotionally sensitive, they eventually hit the numbness threshold at about level 4 (this is a different level for everyone). The numbness/pain threshold is somewhere below that and it seems like people bounce around within this numbness area for quite sometime, somewhat oblivious to what is going on. I think that this is where McIntosh lived for seven years. For some people this might last a day or two. In my previous entry, I was semi-numb to what was going on with my board shorts for a few days. Then, something happened, and you drop below the pain threshold. This means that you may still be numb, but now you know it or you can actually feel the pain. People usually hit this point and say, "What am I doing with myself?" and decide that they are willing to fight against the tide and try and get back to where they were. I find it amazing how often we can slip through this cycle and not even realize it.

On a related note, I know individuals that somewhat justify their actions saying, "Well, I obviously have something to learn from this situation," or even going so far as to say, "Heavenly Father wants me to learn something from this, that's why he allowed me to have this (problem, situation, etc)." They make comments giving the illusion that they are learning something and being enlightened, but not feeling any pain for their actions. I would dare to say that if you are not feeling any pain for something that you know is wrong, than whatever good feelings you are having are not really coming from the source that you think they are coming from. Remember that McIntosh said that he knew good from evil, but was untouched by both. If you really believe that there is opposition in all things than how can you justly say God would let you off without pain for your actions, but provide you with "warm fuzzies" along the way. If you are Christian, than I in no way mean to say that the Atonement does not take away the pain from our actions or that we need to suffer for the things Christ has taken upon himself. But even if you believe that Christ has suffered for your sins, you will feel pain in doing them and pain in remembering them. I am not speaking to those Almas that have left a life of sin and devoted themselves completely to the Lord, but rather to those that are still engaged in wrong doing and feel nothing for it. Don't be so arrogant as to think that you can bypass eternal laws. Warm fuzzies that cause us to be complacent do not come from above.

Not too long ago I was faced with a small dilemma. I wanted to go swimming and I had lost my pair of red-Hawaiian print board shorts. All I had left was a pair of white and see through when wet board shorts. So, I decided that I would buy a new pair. I had already set a budget for the rest of this month, so I was very price sensitive and decided that I would shop at Wal-Mart. Here's where the dilemma comes in. All of the Wal-Mart shorts had elastic waist bands (which I despise) except for one. That one pair was actually a very nice pair, at a very cheap price. But, it was Corona brand. Corona was written all over the shorts. Of course, my first thought was, "I can't get those." But then I started a negatively inspired train of thought going something like this: "Why not? Am I afraid of people judging me? Who cares what other people think? People in Provo are too judgmental. It would be funny to see people's reaction to the shorts. I think I'm going to get them."

Isn't it amazing to see the rationalization take place? Well, I bought the pair and used them the next day. I am still pleased with the quality of the shorts. But something else happened, I believe, as a result of buying that pair. I suddenly had a small and hidden feeling that rules didn't apply. I found myself over the next few days doing small things or not doing small things that seemed unimportant. I started skipping writing in my journal. I didn't read exactly the amount in the Scriptures that I had built into my routine. You know...small things. But small things lead to bigger things. Before you know it, I'm looking around at myself thinking, "What on earth have I been doing? This isn't me," and then decided that things needed to be put back in order.

Malcolm Gladwell has argued that the smallest circumstances can have dramatic changes in what he calls "socials epidemics," such as fashion fads and crime rates. Why would it be any different in our personal lives? We, especially in the LDS culture, sometimes feel that every action is a result our desires and character and the only way to combat it is to change our desires and character. James Allen says,

"This does not mean that a man's circumstances at any given time are an indication of his entire character, but that those circumstances are so intimately connected with some vital thought element within himself..." (As a Man Thinketh, pg9)

I believe he's right. It is true that our circumstances do reveal something about ourselves, thoughts and passions. However, as I've argued before, change is two fold. I think that we use that vital thought element in order to create a change in our circumstances, which then allows us to have a more permanent change of desire. Rather than diving in and attempting to change your desires without making any change to your environment might be fruitless. What am I getting at? The circumstances, influenced by some part of my character, in which I placed myself with Corona board shorts, provided an opportunity for that part of my character to run wild and without restraint. If we focus on controlling the circumstances that we create, we begin to use "the Law upon which [our] being is established, [we] then become the wise master, directing [our] energies with intelligence, and fashioning [our] thoughts to fruitful issues. Such is the conscious master..." (As a Man Thinketh, pg4)