Do you ever ask yourself, "How stupid can I be?"

Well that is the question that I just finished asking myself. I don't think that there are many situations where it's appropriate to talk to yourself that way, but this might be one of them. It's one thing to make a mistake that requires repentance. It's another to make a mistake that requires repentance after having seen the same pattern leading up to the mistake. There's a pattern that I'm familiar with in my own life, so familiar with in fact that when I realized I had not noticed it, I said to myself, "How could I not have noticed, that's MY pattern."

Here's the pattern: If I have not been reading my scriptures in the right manner, or praying in the right manner, or just not connecting with Heavenly Father, my first sign is a hunger for things of righteousness. I start to hunger and thirst for the scriptures. Not an uncontrollable hunger, just a strong desire in my heart. When I'm observant, I say to myself, "Wow, I'd better sit down and read my scriptures" or "I need to spend some more time on my knees." When I'm not observant, I cut corners and think, "This will do." When I'm not observant, it's usually about 1 or 2 days before I find myself on my knees repenting of something. I felt this hunger a few days ago. I didn't remember it until just a few minutes ago, I was sitting at my computer and looked across my bed. And guess what I saw: My scriptures.

This may not be significant to you, but the reason those scriptures are sitting on my bed is because about 2 nights ago, I was hungering for them. I was already in bed, so I just grabbed them from off my desk and held them close. I went to sleep like that. Do you think that I woke up early the next morning to read them? Do you think that I remembered that hunger and supped from them the next day? Or do you think that I might have even missed reading them at all that day?

It was the latter. And yes, I ended up on my knees today, repenting, knowing that my heart had not been in the right place or my actions those of a worthy priesthood holder who is engaged in the work of God. I knew that pattern. It isn't a new one. So, now I have to figure out why I didn't respond the way that I know I should have. What was I doing that kept the right response far from my mind and heart? Any insight would be appreciated.